My original intention with this post was to reflect on my understanding of the nature of family. A wise (and quite fabulous) UU is often quick to remind me that there is the family we are born into and the family we choose. Those who know my story are aware of why these words are sometimes important for me to hear. The past several years have found me struggling to balance my role within these two families, often in ways that were inauthentic and harmful to myself and others. It was only recently that I began to develop the courage to live a life that truly reflected my beliefs, and allowed me to come into my identity. In doing so, I finally began to understand a new definition of family that allowed me to surround myself with unconditional acceptance, regardless of relation.
My family includes everyone. Everyone whose life has influenced my own, or whose life I have touched is in my family. However, my family consists of cycles of members, who are brought into or taken out of my life as their presence becomes helpful or harmful. There are certain cycles that fit at different moments, as fleeting as one minute long to as enduring as several years together. There are members who are constantly within each cycle, whose presence is always a loving and accepting one. More difficult for me to learn was the reality that a member’s presence could change from helpful to hurtful if during the wrong cycle. My attempts to keep family members in a cycle which did not fit their role in my life have only led to pain for both parties, and prevented my own personal growth. As I began to let people flow into and out of my family cycle, I learned something wonderful about my life- I am permanently blessed with love.
Every step of my life’s journey has been supported by the love of my family- given, chosen, or unseen. The decisions I have made have always had the support of someone who wanted nothing more than for me to pursue that which brings me joy. Every risk I have taken has been backed by someone who believed in my abilities, and someone who was willing to catch me should I fall. My words of self-criticism are always met with words of love and acceptance, and my prideful expressions are inevitably followed by someone else’s high five, hug, or “damn right!” Even during times in which I feel as though anger or sadness are enveloping my existence, there is always at least one voice, if not a (literal) chorus reminding me that there is so much to celebrate. There is always someone in my presence who brings me laughter, sometimes at inappropriate times. And there is always a reason to smile. Most importantly, my family has reminded me that I should always love myself. Otherwise, I make it easier for others to disrespect me and pretend as though I am unworthy of their love. And I deserve better.
So to each of my family cycles, I say thank you. Your presence in my life, whether fleeting or permanent, has helped me to understand just how easy it is to be loved. And now that I know how great it feels, I cannot wait to return the favor.
