At the end of this first year, my immediate feelings are of utter exhaustion combined with a sense of satisfied energy. Last night, the phrase "nobody warned me" was aptly stated by a friend as we toasted the end of many chapters today. Indeed, to paraphrase a fellow
first second-year, I have cried more in my first year of seminary than I have in the rest of my entire adult life. I have experienced both beautiful moments of unmatched gratitude for the world and nearly unbearable periods of despair as I thought "This is too big." I have met amazing people who radiate inspiration, and I have come to love people whom I first thought were annoying. Seriously, you all are beautiful, even if I sometimes want to throw a pen cap at the back of your head. I have developed a more passionate sense of call, yet this year's lessons and self-learning have left me more confused about my ministerial direction than ever before. I have developed equal parts love for humanity's unwavering belief in its potential and frustration towards our lack of humility regarding our limitations, leading me to surprising theological corners. I have been affirmed as a non-theist, but now eagerly embrace the reality that we simply cannot know the nature of the Divine. I have come to recognize that the contradictions between our conceptualizations of the Holy are a necessary piece of its beauty, and not something that we must resolve. I am not the same person that I was when I began (for one thing, I'm crankier...), yet I am more sure of my core being than I was that first day of orientation. I have been asked to "own my story" and in that process I have finally begun to understand how the twists in my journey have led up to this point. I am anxious about the future, but am assured by the experiences I have had thus far that change is not to be feared but rather fully lived. Looking back on the year, I am grateful beyond imagination for the people who have offered words of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on/an ear to rant to, the nudge to go beyond my comfort zone, and delicious homemade baked goods.
On a more targeted note, this past year has exposed me to systemic injustice that I knew existed but never wanted to fully acknowledge. Maybe it was a fear of feeling helpless or of getting angry to the point of being ineffective at building bridges. Part of it might have been the fear of learning my part in perpetuating a broken and oppressive system. Whatever prevented me from reaching that point of bearing witness to the harsher parts of reality, it has been defeated by embracing the responsibility and honor of being in full relationship with all of existence. I am still learning what that means for me and my ministry, but it is clear that we can no longer deny that something radical must be done, and that integrity and love demands being honest about what we face. I remember that when I first came to Union, it was because I felt called to affirm the beautiful miracle that is our world, and the inherent capacity for good that exists within all of us. When I think about my call, I do not believe it has become anything different from its original intention, but its form has changed. It is taking the shape of something much more than I thought (and still think) myself capable of, something greater than I thought was necessary for change. As I continue along this journey, I am both terrified of and motivated by what I might discover. That seems like a healthy combination for a second-year (omg that sounds awesome) seminarian and future minister :).
When it all is said and done, this year has been nothing short of life-altering (Although that begs the question, can one "alter" life? Or simply live it? CURSE YOU SEMINARY!). Imagine what next year will bring (..."all the feelings" raised to the tenth power?).
And now, I rest until CPE in two weeks. Because, damn it, even God took a day off.
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